Let's have a nice cup of....

Where do I start? The day that eventually had to come...


Yesterday: After a somewhat recent diagnosis with cancer my mother-in-law passed away. Our relationship as families go was not typical, or some may say it was.


We had not spoken for probably about 8 years. I had my reasons, and she had hers! I won't re-hash any of them because it is probably a really good time to let them go. I did reach out many years ago on my daughters 2nd birthday and was for a little while let back in to the family fold. For me that it was not a warm fuzzy place to be. Cultural differences among Americans and the British stretch from the Grand Canyon to The River Thames. In most British homes an American would still be given the common indulgence of homesickness. We would smile politely and all have a nice cup of "Shut the fuck up!"


Let's just say that the most hurtful words I have ever heard are "You're an American now!" - "This is your home!"


Is she having the last laugh? - Typing this now I am backspacing through typos, racking sobs are welling up.

TODAY: I have been asked/summoned to attend the Wake (I won't knock this because it is obviously a tradition that I am never to understand) I have attended many, mercifully it has never been a family member of mine. But a year ago in October I found out that Alice a friend that lived across the street from me had passed away in her sleep. My neighbour Lynn and I adored her. Alice was always there, her passing made the street feel different. Looking at her house was for a while painfull. At her 'Wake' I cried like a child. Mourners at Wakes have no place to hide if they can't hold the tears back.

This might be where the British would stay on the bus.

- For the British that may be reading this, it is a gathering of ALL family, friends and aquantances (spell check) to view the dearly departed as they will be interred for all eternity. The queue for some wakes has been known to flow out into the street and down the road.

- For the Americans... The British don't really get this, but it is a dignified way to say goodbye for loved ones.

I don't think Children should be there. PERIOD. I'm not going to object to my own children attending because they are teenagers. But that's just me.

Now I feel I am completely over it. Tears came. Tears went.

Yesterday I found out that I am expected to attend the funeral (and lets not forget the wake) under normal circumstances I would naturally be there. And, I will be so that my husband doesn't have to face this alone.

But, the GIANT PINK ELEPHANT in the room is my bitter, bitter resentment of the truth.

The painful, omni-present, dirty little secret. The history and the anger that I am an emmy award winning actress at hiding. When a close family member of mine died... I couldn't be there. The circumstance of being 3000 miles away was originally my fault. When she was alive she didn't agree that I should go home.

She said... "You're an American now!"

Really? So American that I have a green card, doesn't sound very American to me. I could be, I have 3 children that by birth in the United States are US citizens.   I'm a British Citizen. I can't even vote or ellect an official that decides how the taxes taken out of my pay check are spent. I have to pay for the priviledge of re-newing my Green Card every 10 years by driving to New York and sitting all day waiting for a number (it was actually a letter - go figure) to be called.

These things are not necessarily my mother in laws fault. But, on an individual basis, generalised, stupid thinking did affect me.

Theres the anger! - Will it ever go away? How do you let it go?

So when today I am welcomed into the family fold within the cold arms of Aunts, Uncles and siblings. If I'm offered a drink (although I'll feel like I'll need one) I'll bite my tongue and sip a nice cup of "Shut the fuck up!"